Forgiveness

for•give•ness [fer-giv-nis] – noun
1. A choice the forgiver makes to let go of resentment held in the forgiver's mind of a perceived wrong or difference, either actual or imagined.

Forgiveness is an interesting phenomenon. Do a search on Google for it and you'll get everything from dictionary definitions to spiritual insights from every religion that exists and everything in between. I personally like the Wikipedia entry on forgiveness (opens in new window).

The thing I find most intriguing about forgiveness is the fact that it is a conscious act. A person has to be willing to forgive in order to make it possible. A person who has committed a transgression can't just say "I'm sorry" and everything is hunky-dorey, a-ok. No, the person who believes they were wronged must accept that apology and, here's the tricky part, actively let go of the resentment they have. And some people don't even need the apology. They can forgive just because.

I strive to be one of those people. I'm not there yet, but one day.

Forgiveness doesn't always come from others. Sometimes, and I know this first-hand, the hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself. We all screw up. We all make mistakes. We all have done or said something that we wish we hadn't. I'm not saying you should forget what you've done. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to make amends for your deeds. But I am saying you should learn to forgive yourself, stop "beating yourself up" as my therapist puts it. You need to do that so that you can get to a point where you can truly learn from the experience and be effective in putting things right.

Some people believe that if they forgive a wrong they are somehow condoning it. They aren't. All they are doing is letting go of their bad emotions regarding the event. They are opening the door to new possibilities. By hanging on to those negative feelings, they are darkening themselves. As Yoda would say, "To the Dark Side, that leads." The incident may have happened months or years in the past, but because they can't let go of it, the incident occurs every moment of every day for them. Without being able to forgive they are unable to begin to heal.

So, for all of you out there who have been wronged in the past or are bashing yourself for something you've done and feel terrible about, try to take a moment and just let go. It's hard. Your frustration and disappointment and anger will be right there telling you, "No! How can you respect yourself if you stop resenting him/her?" Just stop it. Reach way down deep and, just for a micro-second, let go. Let the resentment and anger go. If someone has wronged you, they can never make it up to you, no matter how hard they try, whatever hoops they jump through for you, until you make a conscious effort to forgive them. I'm not saying you can't make them squirm a little, but that's between you and your morals. But if you truly have a need for penance from another, you will never be able to accept it until you get rid of your resentment. There is only so much shelf space in the human heart.

- From The Dictionary of Mr. Sin